dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What did we do last night that was yellow?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
