I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
