My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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