Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
