she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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