youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
