I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
