his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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