I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
