things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
