Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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