Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
as a side note pls kill me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
