UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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