My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
