I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
