i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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