I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
