My first STD was from a foam party
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
