she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
grandma shit on top of the toilet
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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