There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
