i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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