phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
