Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
