Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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