dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
