closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
