Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
