Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
