Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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