I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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