I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
