u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
