it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
