I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I believe in your delicious
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
