woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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