i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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