it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
