i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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