i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
