Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
