went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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