god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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