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I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
People in love make me want to vomit
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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