im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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