My ATM looks so different sober.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Randomize
