If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
