Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
