Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
