Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
