she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
