WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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