I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
