True but thats because hes a fetus.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
